you can be free

A few weeks ago I was asked to come up with some words that would describe my experience with alcoholism and recovery. What I was like, what happened, and what I’m like today – or in our Program language, “Experience, Strength and Hope”

As I went through my mind thinking of these words, it brought back a lot of memories for me. I lived in a world of emptiness, shame, remorse. I was filled with loneliness, regret and fear. I had great sadness, frustration, and worry. Feelings of uselessness, rejection and isolation tormented me and took over my world.
Yay for me that God saw me and my pain and knew that He could use me for His purposes to help others who were lying in that same virtual (or physical) gutter that I was lying in and show them that there IS a way out. There IS a solution! There IS HOPE for FREEDOM and HAPPINESS and JOY and PEACE and FULFILLMENT.

It’s not without work, though. First of all I had to WANT to change. I couldn’t just wake up one day and go, “Lord, please change me, “and it was done and I was healed. I had to do a few simple things. Like learn to level my pride – VERY difficult for a defiant practicing alcoholic in denial. In NO WAY did I want others to see inside me and know that I didn’t have it all together – that I wasn’t okay. I thought that if my outsides looked “good” then my insides would be “good” to you too. What I didn’t realize is that my outsides didn’t look good either. I was a mess. Disastrous. Severely underweight, suffering from malnutrition, dying from the inside out with the poison I was putting in my body – and yet I could not stop – did not know how to stop – could not physically stop. It was mystical to me – how could I not want to die and yet continue to do something that was killing me slowly day by day – eventually it wouldn’t be so slow either; it would take over my mind and my body and my soul, and one day I would no longer be able to stand up to it and I would die a slow, painful, sad, disgusting death.

Somewhere along the way I had run out of plans. There was no way out for me. I said “yes” when the nurse in the ER brought me a cheese toastie – the best I’d ever had – and fries. I ate the whole thing. I said “yes” when she asked me if I wanted to go to detox for 3 days. That wasn’t ME! God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. A seed had been planted.

Naturally, along the way, I had my stumbles and falls. I’ve met a few people who have never had a drink again once they walked into the “rooms” – but that was not my experience. As I said before, I literally could not stop drinking. It made no sense to me and I felt guilty and ashamed and began sneaking at that time because I couldn’t stop but I had to stop. I was “supposed” to stop. For my husband, my parents, my pets, my family, my job… but I Did. Not. Know. How.

As I began to continue the actions of walking through each day with the help of a Fellowship of people just like me, I slowly began to open up my cold, dark, closed heart. My mind began to comprehend. My actions were causing me to have a different way of thinking. The thinking was making its way to my heart. My soul was beginning to be fed. I was beginning to feel a little bit comfortable in my skin and with new and better friends. My relationship with my husband was becoming better than ever, and I was able to be a better, more authentic daughter to my parents.

I began to accept help, to get on my knees and talk with a God of my understanding – who is of my own choosing not someone else’s theory of God for me. I began to clear away the wreckage of my past and make amends for wrongs done. I began to clean up my act. Eat food, drink water and coffee and tea. Anything but booze really! And I began to be helpful to others, get outside myself and stop being so selfish and self-centered. I began to stop being afraid. I began to trust in me again. That I am worth something, that there is a place and a purpose for me here in this world.

Today I feel (mostly) JOY – PEACE – LOVE – CONTENTMENT – SAFETY – POWER – PURPOSE – FREEDOM – BELONGING

And I live and walk in the world as a real, live person. I am me. I am good with that. I have things to do, people to see, places to go. And I can go anywhere in this world that I choose to because I am free from the bondage of myself and my alcoholism.

You can have this too. There is a dream, there is a vision for you – there is hope for you and a life for you. You have a purpose. Let’s find it together.